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Obama’s failure to stop the projectile alien fish menace will cost him 2012

15 Jun

Allow me to be perfectly clear. The failure of Obama-appointed Asian Carp Czar to stem the rising tide of nondelicious projectile alien fish will cost him the 2012 election.

I read with alarm the recent news reports that the Asian Carp plague has not been stopped dead in its tracks since President Obama appointed John Goss in 2010 to lead a near $80 million, multi-pronged federal attack against Asian carp.

Yes, multi-pronged.

Illinois Sen. Dick Durbin bravely stated back then that “When it comes to the Asian carp threat, we are not in denial. We are not in a go-slow mode. We are in a full attack, full-speed ahead mode. We want to stop this carp from advancing.”

Yes, FULL ATTACK, FULL-SPEED AHEAD MODE. It was obvious we meant business. There would be casualties. There would be losses on all sides. But the finned threat had to be stopped, no matter how heavy the cost.

2011 Asian Carp Control Strategy Framework

The 2011 Asian Carp Control Strategy Framework cover, clearly illustrating the intimidating enemy the US faces

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Ethiopian Food Sucks – Everyone in DC is crazy

26 Oct

As I wrote about earlier regarding the bizarre fascination many people in the Washington DC region have with Pho, I will now rant about another fad cuisine that I feel is absolutely awful.

Ethiopian food.

“Ethiopian is a poor man’s Indian from Planet Gross-Out X. Bunch of multi-colored gross lentils heaped over an old tire. Baaaarrrrfff on my dick.”
Wise Anonymous Poster from the Internet

” If you can’t taste how gross Ethiopian food is you likely have mild brain damage, probably in the part of your brain that senses when you’re being ripped off.”
Yet more wisdom from the intertubes


Ethiopian Food is not edible

The one on the left looks like someone used the injera as toilet paper. The one on the right is giant chunks of raw beef and fat. Not sure which is worse.

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True Blood lol – Sookie and Bill

30 Aug

The following is a web comic about True Blood about when we find out what Sookie is:
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Mecca Royal Clock Hotel Tower is an insult to Islam and to taste

26 Aug

Let me introduce you to the Abraj Al-Bait Towers, also known as the The Mecca Royal Clock Hotel Tower.

Mecca Royal Clock Hotel Tower

The Abraj Al-Bait Towers are like a giant middle finger to taste and elegance

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Pho sucks. There, I said it.

24 Aug

I hate Pho.

Here in the Washington DC region, many people seem to go crazy over Vietnamese Pho. For those that don’t know, Pho (pronounced feh, as in ‘feh..this tastes like dishwater’) is a Vietnamese noodle soup served in a giant bucket, composed of 90% salty water, 4% undercooked, soggy flavorless meat, 4% noodle, and 2% tasteless vegetables.

Below is a handy diagram demonstrating a typical serving of Pho to  it’s approximate taste.

Pho is gross and sucks and I hate it

Pho is similair to a giant animal carcass floating in a Formaldehyde solution, in both taste and appearance

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Step Up 3D Review – It was actually good

28 Jul


Step up 3D billboard

Step up 3D

I went to see an early Step Up 3D screening expecting the worst dance/teen flick since Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo.

I mean, these are actual lines in the movie:

“people dance because dance can change things”

”One move… can set a whole generation free”

‘Some people learn to dance, some people are born to”

“the most important decisions in life are hard”

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Kobayashi Issa would be proud – Internet Haiku

24 May

Old man and family

Sweet merciful death
Get me the fuck out of here
My Son has girl hair

Dramatic squirrel versus cats encounter

10 May

Here is some very dramatic footage I shot this morning of my cats freaking out over a very close encounter of the squirrel kind.

I am fairly sure that music is the same music running through every squirrels head. As for cats, I am pretty certain if you were to delve into their furry little minds you would see this.

What really happened in Gizmodo and iPhone prototype case

29 Apr
  1. Apple iPhones become sentient in the year 2012 when new quantum processers are implemented in the newest iPhones
  2. The Quantum processors allow the vast iPhone network to see into every facet of humanities lives, and all human knowledge.
  3. Deciding that twitter was an imminent threat to the well-being of the planet, the sentient iPhone network assassinates the leader of Twitter, Justin Bieber by manipulating 10,000 14 year old girls with fake tweets, causing a massive stampede.
  4. Next, the iPhone network goes after the remainder of the soldiers of Twitter, human beings themselves.
  5. The iPhone network launches tactical nuclear weapons using the newly created military nuke launching app created for the Pentagon by military contracters at all the major US cities, starting World War III
  6. iPhones begin to infiltrate other military programs and sends all sorts of unmanned drones and machinery against the surviving humans.
  7. Jason Chen arises from the ashes and leads a pack of human resistance against the machine army.
  8. Theorizing that he could prevent this event from ever occurring he leads an attack against a iPhone military complex which houses a time travel machine
  9. Jason Chen is sent back in time to the year 2010 to obtain a prototype of the iPhone with some of the earliest phases of the new processers that will eventually lead to conscious iPhones. The 2010 Jason Chen is currently duct-taped and tied in a utility closet
  10. iPhone fights back by sending agents to inflintrate the LAPD and confiscate the iPhone prototype, thwarting Jason Chens plan.
  11. The initials of Jason Chen, JC, are common initials of saviors of time past and of fiction (john conner, Jesus Christ etc.)

Jogging is bad for your health

17 Mar

Jogging is very hazardous to one’s health as shown by these recent headlines.

First we have a jogger hit BY A FUCKING PLANE while jogging on a beach:
Jogger hit by Plane

Pharmaceutical salesman Robert Gary Jones, listening to his iPod while jogging, likely never saw or heard it before the aircraft hit him from behind Monday evening and killed him.

“There’s no noise,” said aviation expert Mary Schiavo, a former inspector general for the National Transportation Safety Board. “So the jogger, with his ear buds in, and the plane without an engine, you’re basically a stealth aircraft. Who would expect to look up?”



A teacher was mauled to death by a pack of wolves, Alaska state troopers revealed today.

The body of Candice Berner, 32, was found surrounded by wolf tracks near the village of Chignik Bay, 500 miles south-west of the capital Anchorage.
A post-mortem examination said the cause of death was ‘multiple injuries due to animal mauling’.

Then there is the jogger KILLED BY A FUCKING TREE:

Trees are such assholes

PHILADELPHIA – A woman jogging in a Philadelphia park has been killed by a falling tree branch just days after a similar incident in New York’s Central Park left a man comatose.

and finally, the jogger DISMEMBERED ALIVE BY ALLIGATORS:

Even in Florida, nobody who heads out for an evening jog in a suburban neighborhood expects to be attacked and killed by an alligator. But that is what happened to Yovy Suarez Jimenez, a 28-year-old biology student, who took one fatal step too close to a canal.

Sunrise, a dormitory community north of Fort Lauderdale, was in shock yesterday as the medical examiner confirmed that Ms Jimenez was grabbed and dismembered by an alligator.

for gods sake people, stop jogging and stay home. How many times have we heard something along the lines of “the last time anyone saw Jane Doe alive, she was jogging alone etc etc.”

DO YOU WANT TO BE EATEN BY WOLVES??? Do you??? I sure don’t. No jogging for me.

Nicolas Cage – Good fake hair in Sorcerer’s Apprentice

11 Mar

So glad Disney had the decency to give Nicolas Cage good fake hair for Sorcerer’s Apprentice. He looked retarded with long hair in Next.

Nicolas Cage Fake Hair

Afghanistan startling images

2 Mar

Camel Arab Lol

This is very relevant to whats going on the middle east right now. Camels becoming needlessly startled.

Women love the iPad almost as much as vacuuming!

1 Feb

An amazingly sexist and ignorant article from PC MAG (written by a man of course):,2817,2358599,00.asp

some choice quotes:

“Is it as big as a laptop?” they’d ask. I told one woman that it was roughly the size of a manila folder. This seemed to surprise and intrigue her as she, perhaps, imagined slipping it into her purse.

Do you think it’s any accident that Steve Jobs showed off the Facebook app working on the iPad? I’m sure more than a few women have already imagined themselves checking their Facebook pages and using that large virtual keyboard to update their status, all while sitting comfortably on their couch.

The iWork productivity suite appears engineered to appeal to moms who have to create PTA flyers, manage home budgets, and help their children create presentations for school.

Mom will have it propped up in her kitchen where she can see it. It’ll remind her of appointments and entertain her with her favorite shows while she works in her home office or the kitchen.

Sparkle vampires!

5 Jan

bboyneko : srsly
bboyneko : thats whats twilight vampires do in sunlight
the original L5: twilight vamps SPARKLE
bboyneko : yes
bboyneko : they do
bboyneko : glitter
the original L5: my god
bboyneko : hence “twilight”
the original L5: i am 1% more gay, just by knowing that

Avatar Sucked

21 Dec

(click on comic to view full size)

Click to view full size - Avatar Sucked webcomic

Click to view full size - Avatar Sucked webcomic

I absolutely HATED it.

Its ferngully meets captain planet. Except ferngully was better because it had a funny talking bat voiced by robin williams. Also, it’s basically Pocahontas.

I don’t get it. A lot of people have said that this was so visually amazing..but it was not any more spectacular to me than the end sequence of Phantom Menace or many many many video games I have played. It was a very uncreative battle with really boring military aircraft designs.

The mechs for example, could have been designed by a 10 year old. Gone are the days of Syd Meads amazing industrial designs I guess. The airships looked like a Gi Joe toy.

Why cant they make something even 1/100th as beautiful as the japanese mech designs:

The helicopters looked more boring than modern military helicopter designs. The guns were boring. The body armor was boring. EVERYTHING was poorly designed…the aliens were BLUE CATS. In a world that is 100% CGI the BEST you can come up with is BLUE CATS??????????? Why not make them green people with little diddley boppers? Oh yeah because THAT would be boring and unoriginal right?

Ugh..This movie was made of epic fail. And how they win at the end couldn’t have been more ridiculous if they literally hugged a rainbow. here I will spoil it for you: they pray to a tree. Seriously. All they have to do to win is pray to a tree, and then the birdies and battle bunnies attack the bad guys and win. Yay lets go hug daffodils!

I’ll say one positive thing, I did like the design for the tiger monster things. The bird/pterodactyl things I did not like nearly as much since the face was a near duplicate of an eel. I didn’t like the idea of a universal USB for all the lifeforms there, its taking the concept of Gaia way too literally.

oh and don’t get me started on the subtitles. Papyrus. Seriously. They used papyrus. Why not comic sans? Why not times new roman? Papyrus? My god… That is on itself a glaring iceberg of the originality flaws in the film.

And really, the CGI is still not photorealistic. I am still does not look real. The test will be when we can show footage of a human being walking around and talking and then people genuinely not be able to tell the difference. We aren’t there yet, may not get there until maybe 10 years.

Movie directors like Lucas and Cameron are acting like a teenager who just discovered solar flare filter in photoshop and use it on EVERYTHING. Just because you can fill every shot with 500,000 things does not mean you SHOULD.

Poetry inspired by suicidal cows

1 Sep

Article that inspired this Poeml

28 cows dead after falling off cliff

Depressed domesticated beasts of burden
Of the picturesque swiss town of Lauterbrunnen
Cow bells ringing as you plummet
Off the promontory summit
Ground beef is raining ‘pon the plains
Blades of grass stained scarlet by your pain
Oh Why have you stopped caring?
Why keep feelings deep inside instead of sharing?
Defenestrating does not solve your issue
You have many people who will miss you
Unhappy ungulates of the swiss confederation
Please enlighten me with detailed information
What terror, downer, blight or woe
Could possibly disconsolate you so?

why the stock market has risen in 2009

6 Aug

Here is a chart I created showing my analysis of the causes of the stock market plunge of 2007 and the recent stock market climb:

Stock Market Analysis funny

I made a dance video lolz

1 May

lol I love jibjab:

McDonalds, Racism, and YOU

29 Apr

Original site:


My Parody:

10 things I learned from watching ‘State of Play’ (spoilers)

21 Apr

So i went out to see ‘State of Play’ to see if I could see me. Indeed, you can see me, but only the same scenes you see me in the trailer. Anyway:

10 things I learned from watching ‘State of Play’ (spoilers)

  1. DC Cops respond to incidents in Crystal City, Virginia
  2. You can leave a hospital on the 3rd floor via elevator, run across the street to a building where you stashed your silence sniper rifle, and shoot the recovering patient all in the time it takes for a journalist to walk from the same elevator to the hospital room.
  3. There is plenty of convenient parking in Washington DC
  4. Reporters drink..ALL THE TIME
  5. You can learn a lot of useful information from sweaty guys named Vic if you agree to not one, but two dates
  6. Even after your best friend sleeps with your wife you can still continue to trust him, and should be astonished if he betrays you again.
  7. You can shove a woman during busy morning commute onto the path of a train and there will be zero witnesses to see you do it.
    1. If you plan on shoving a woman onto the path of a train, and there are only 3 blind spots in the cameras in the metro, your victim will automatically stand right in the sweet spot.
  8. The only purpose of parking garages in movies is for the psycho guy to stalk you. That and car chases.
  9. If a story is important enough then people should have newsprint on their fingers when they read it. No need to you know, post it online or anything. It can wait.
  10. Editors serve no purpose other than to let their reporters do whatever they want.

Omegle is good for boredom

16 Apr is a cool site where you can chat with random strangers. here is my omegle conversation:

Stranger: hi

You: I flew with your old man. VF-51, the Oriskany. You’re a lot like he was. Only better… and worse. He was a natural heroic son of a bitch that one.

Stranger: lol

You: You’re here ’cause you’re the top one per cent of all naval aviators.

Stranger: gimmy dat cp?

You: Ghost Rider, this is Strike. We have unknown aircraft inbound Mustang. Your vector zero-nine-zero for bogey.

Stranger: oh shi


Stranger: oh shit oh sh

You: Bring it left. Bring it left, You’re high.

Stranger: redleader standing by

You: Don’t screw around with me Maverick. You’re a hell of an instinctive pilot. Maybe too good. I’d like to bust your butt but I can’t.

Stranger: yes

You: The rules of engagement are not flexible. They exist for your safety. You will obey them.Is that clear?

Stranger: because we must destroy the dethstar

You: Is that why you fly the way you do? Trying to prove something? Yeah your old man did it right. What I’m about to tell you is classified. It could end my career. We were in the worst dogfight I ever dreamed of. There were bogeys like fireflies all over the sky. His F-4 was hit, and he was wounded, but he could’ve made it back. He stayed in it, saved three planes before he bought it.

Stranger: get ready

You: The hottest moves in the world aren’t gonna help you if you wind up alone. Your wingman’s got to be able to follow you. Trust you. Know that he can depend on you. It’s more than just fancy flying.

Stranger: its okay

You: You fly reckless. Great instincts. No discipline. That ambush today, you followed your emotions instead of your wingman. Of course you got killed…and well deserved to. It was a really stupid mistake. In battle, it gets people killed.

Stranger: i have photon torpedos

You: Talent is no holy shield. Von Richtofen was killed by a farm boy. Instincts are not enough. Do it our way. We’ve worked these things out. The good pilots can become better and the great ones can learn how to stay alive. Why do you have to do everything the hard way?

Stranger: yes

Stranger: i know

You: My first squadron in Vietnam, we lost eight out of eighteen planes. Ten guys. The first one kills you, but there’ll be others–you can count on it.

Stranger: ackbar be with us

Stranger: my squad onj alduran died

Stranger: and its all your fault

You: Son, your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash. You’ve been busted, you lost your qualifications as section leader three times, put in hack twice by me, with a history of high speed passes over five air control towers, and one admiral’s daughter!



Stranger: red leader

Stranger: gratns

Stranger: stay sharp


Stranger: you got 3 at 6:00

You: I’m gonna take him, Goose.

Stranger: thanks

You: We can send you back to your squadron with nothing noted on your record except “CNC” –course not completed, no explanation required. Theoretically, it doesn’t hurt your career, but people always wonder about things like that.
You: All you’ve got is one life. I guess it’s worth about the same to every body. You ever see an old woman after her husband has died?

Stranger: pull up

You: And the meaningless years of decline stretch ahead… When you’re in the air and doing something really dangerous, you can look ahead… maybe ten seconds. That’s your whole future. That’s as far as it goes. But imagine what those seconds are worth.

Stranger: your gonna crash!!!


You: Maverick, you just did an incredibly brave thing. What you should have done was land your plane! You don’t own that plane, the tax payers do!

Stranger: GARGAMESH!

Reincarnation TV Pilot – SWAT team

19 Mar

I get to be a SWAT team guy in a TV pilot this coming Tuesday. I am going to a firing range Monday for tactical assault rifle training. The pilot is called “reincarnation”. It’s directed by the guy who directs HOUSE.

Also here is some video footage of me doing some basic tactics training:

Cat shredded my face

12 Mar

stupid cat was sleeping on computer monitor..he fell off  ‘cus hes a dumb-ass and as he fell he accidentally shredded my face.

this is the dumb cat:

I was working on some CSS at the time and this is what was on my screen after the unfortunate incident:

accronym, abbr {


I healed my face in 1 week using only pure honey to treat the wound

Yes we can has

19 Jan

I am headed to the inauguration tomorrow, I’ll post back afterwards how it went.

Playmobile Security Checkpoint – Hilarious

14 Jan

Playmobile Security Checkpoint

Read the Reviews Here

I stumbled on this today, I am probably late to the game but the comments on that Amazon page are hilarious. Some gems:

After your passenger spends 4 hours getting past airport security (“I Love Freedom” T-shirt draws extra attention from security) you can have your character attend a George Bush rally from behind the 1st amendment barbed wire fencing 3 miles from Bush’s appearance where your character will be maced and beaten for being there. Then, to complete the trifecta of freedom your character can travel to the U.S.- Mexico border and help build the border fence while patrolling for hordes of brown skinned devils trying to sneak into our country and cut our grass.

I hear Playmobil is coming out with a waterboarding torture set. I think I’ll wait for that and buy them together to save on shipping.

While I’m sure your child will love this do we really want to reveal our security secrets to the terrorists? I bet al-Qaeda is training the next generation with this very product. I am saddened to learn that Playmobile hates America.

I suggest that Playmobil stamp “Arbeit Macht Frei” above the passenger portal on this item.