Obama’s failure to stop the projectile alien fish menace will cost him 2012

15 Jun

Allow me to be perfectly clear. The failure of Obama-appointed Asian Carp Czar to stem the rising tide of nondelicious projectile alien fish will cost him the 2012 election.

I read with alarm the recent news reports that the Asian Carp plague has not been stopped dead in its tracks since President Obama appointed John Goss in 2010 to lead a near $80 million, multi-pronged federal attack against Asian carp.

Yes, multi-pronged.

Illinois Sen. Dick Durbin bravely stated back then that “When it comes to the Asian carp threat, we are not in denial. We are not in a go-slow mode. We are in a full attack, full-speed ahead mode. We want to stop this carp from advancing.”

Yes, FULL ATTACK, FULL-SPEED AHEAD MODE. It was obvious we meant business. There would be casualties. There would be losses on all sides. But the finned threat had to be stopped, no matter how heavy the cost.

2011 Asian Carp Control Strategy Framework

The 2011 Asian Carp Control Strategy Framework cover, clearly illustrating the intimidating enemy the US faces


In one of the most brilliant acts of acronym creation in the history of the world, U.S. Representative Dave Camp from Michigan’s 4th district and Senator Debbie Stabenow of Michigan introduced the CARP ACT (Close All Routes and Prevent Asian Carp Today), which directs the Army Corps of Engineers to take action to prevent Asian Carp from entering the Great Lakes.

I had every bit of confidence back then that our brave fearless Asian Carp Czar would, in this assault against these lungless unblinking terrors, emerge triumphant from the great lakes, no doubt with the thousand yard stare of someone who has looked death in the face and laughed, perhaps adorned in a necklace made of fish skulls, probably soggy and pruney, within a few months of beginning this historic campaign.

Yet according to recent news, the fish have increased their front lines and have developed powerful new weapon technology that our fisherman soldiers are defensless against:

“They jump up out of everywhere, and they all land up in the boat and they hit you. When they hit you, it’s like a 20-pound bowling ball hitting you, and it hurts,” said fisherman Jeremy Jones.

It’s almost like Obama WANTS these fisherman special forces to be hit in the head by projectile alien fish. How could we have failed so miserably? It’s not just fisherman soldiers that are being bruised, battered, and generally disrespected by these watery terrorists, it is innocent competitive kayakers:

Kayaker hit in the head by 30lb carp
A 30lb carp ended a Texas kayaker’s attempt to win a 340-mile race after it jumped out the water and hit him in the head.

Brad Pennington, from Houston, was considered one of the favourites among men’s solo racers in the Missouri River 340, a canoe and kayak race that began Tuesday morning in Kansas City, Kansas.

However the Asian silver carp hit him “like a brick”.

“It’s definitely a risk of being out on the river,” said Tracy Hill, a project leader for the US Fish and Wildlife Service’s local fisheries office. “It’s extremely serious. Those things can kill you.”

Some novel demoralizing strategies against these gilled insurgents have been proposed:

Officials are trying to get people interested in Asian Carp for food.
Wildlife officials said it’s actually pretty good, but Mississippi fishermen are skeptical.

“I have eaten carp ribs, and they’re actually quite good,” Riecke said.

“They’re nasty. They’re not good fish,” Jones said.

Of course they are not good fish! They smack you in the head with the city-leveling force of a 20 pound bowling ball! They are bad fish! Very bad fish. I don’t blame people for not wanting to participate in this strategy, no doubt not wanting to dignify the glabrous legless aliens with the status of good ‘eatin. Even efforts to rename them to “Kentucky Tuna” have failed to demoralize the relentless invasive hoards.

The fact that we are here, close to 1 year later and have not yet ebbed the tide of Asian Carp is an embarrassing, unforgivable and glaring failure on the part of the Obama administration that will no doubt be on the front of every voter’s mind as they step into the booths in 2012. Images of people dressed as fish within 100 feet of the polling entrances holding angry signs will likely be on the front pages of every newspaper across the world.

A scene that will be all too common by 2012: Anti-Obama Asian Carp Protesters

A scene that will be all too common by 2012: Anti-Obama Asian Carp Protesters

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One Response to “Obama’s failure to stop the projectile alien fish menace will cost him 2012”

  1. george September 14, 2011 at 3:07 pm #

    THANK you for this story. It put me to sleep in ten seconds flat and I was able to save another buzzbucket pill for sale in the park. May I come again so I can go to sleep? You are the very BEST boring writer I ever tried to read.

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