South Beach Guide – Winter Music Conference

4 Mar

bboyneko's guide to south beach

Well..it’s that time again..time for Spring Break and of course the Winter Music Conference. (for that entire week, it’s possibly the largest concentration of controlled substances on planet earth) As a veteran of Miami in general (having lived there for a few years) and of the WMC, I will now allow you to partake of my wisdom before venturing to South Beach so you know all the insider tips and tricks and advice and stuff.

Arriving in South Beach

South Beach Miami
The first thing you’ll notice when you arrive at South Beach is how BEAUTIFUL it is..well..ok actually you’ll notice how amazingly run-down it is. Every building looks on the verge of collapse, and every hotel charges $500 a night if you’re lucky. The nicer hotels are of course very nice on the inside, but everything pretty much looks like this on the outside. And this, being a tropical Caribbean location, is literally crawling with cockroaches the size of Cuban refugee rafts. The only thing larger and more omnipresent than the cockroaches is the lizards, some who could probably take on Godzilla in a fair fight. I kid you not some of the iguana you see just hanging out in trees are big enough to carry off a toddler, and the worst part is these fuckers swim!!! They are IN THE WATER with you..you’ll be walking along the ocean and see some gigantic, scaly monstrosity leap off a tree into the water, disappearing beneath the azure waves.

https://i2.wp.com/kolobok.us/smiles/big_standart/shok.gif‘WTF WAS THAT!?’ you’ll say in horror. And someone will reply, likely in Spanish, ‘Oh it’s just the local iguanas’. That’s another thing, don’t venture more then 50 feet outside of South Beach unless you speak spanish.

Here is an actual photo I took of a beautiful South Beach street:

https://i1.wp.com/www.gunkatta.com/images/miami2/southbeachbeauty.jpg

Clubbing in South Beach

South Beach Club

This is what your average south beach club looks like. It is run-down, decaying, possibly condemned. And outside is a very very large man in a suit standing by the velvet ropes.https://i0.wp.com/www.kolobok.us/smiles/remake/bb2.gif Unless you arrived at 7pm or 7am, there will be a line long enough to justify chartering a plane to reach the end of. Many people hear about how well-dressed you have to be to enter these velvet-locked exclusive clubs. I got into all of them in 2 seconds, literally by just walking up to the front of the line and without a word the gigantic man allowed me to go in. Why? Because I was dressed right. Here is how NOT to dress to get into a South Beach club:

Casually Dressed

Got it? Ok good…Here is how you should dress to get into a South Beach club:

Dressed Up

Basically, have babe will travel. All they are looking for is for a guy to have at least two women, or if there is only one woman she better be way hot. But really, i was astonished at what Floridians consider ‘dressed up’. I kid you not, jeans and a t-shirt is dressed-up to them. Leave the blazer at home, even the button-up shirt. You’ll be over-dressed. It might have something to do with the 300 degree heat. If you don’t have two super hot babes then prepare for a ridiculous wait…the bouncers literally hold up the line for no reason at all. It just makes their club look cool. If they decide to let you in, cough up a $40 cover. Once in prepare for all the fun:

Inside a club

weeee! That photo is actual size. All the clubs are TINY..about the size of a broom closet. All are layed out identically, namely about 10-15 tables all arranged in the center, no dance floor, and only one bar. Prepare to pay literally $20 for a drink. Also, Floridians enjoy tossing napkins into the air for no reason whatsoever. It will be raining napkins constantly. And they think it’s really cool to have bottles delivered to their table with a sprinkler fireworks on top of it. And then of course, they celebrate the fact they just got their $400 bottle of smirnoff delivered to the table with a $2 firework by tossing napkins into the air. Weeee! napkins!

Since there is no dance floor the only place to dance is on the bars. And the only one allowed up there is girls. So if you’re a guy looking to dance, forget about it. Good luck attempting to order your $18 screwdriver while digging through miles of heavily sun-damaged skin.

And don’t bother jotting down the name of clubs to recommend to friends. Clubs change hourly in South Beach. At 10pm one day it will be Mansion, then 3 hours later the club will change ownership and it is now Crobar, etc etc.

Exploring Miami

Beautiful Miami

Sunny Miami! Once you tire of the clubs rent a car and explore the beautiful city of Miami, Flordia. Ah! Feels like a 3rd-world country. Unless you are in the general vicinity of Brickell Ave, everything feels like it’s under the brutal rule of a tyrannical dictator. Every neighborhood is more depressing than the next. If you thought South Beach looked run-down, wait till you visit the rest of Miami. Visit just north of Miami beach for some suicide-inducing https://i2.wp.com/www.kolobok.us/smiles/madhouse/suicide.gifviews of poverty on a scale seen only in Sally Struthers infomericals.
https://i1.wp.com/www.kolobok.us/smiles/artists/laie/Laie_28.gif

Get ready for fun driving! Miami has some of the most insane drivers on planet earth. If you spend any measure of time on a highway during rush hour get ready to shave about 10 years off your life on sheer fright alone. Nothing except possibly, years of experience as a NASCAR driver can prepare you for the experience.

And I hope you brought your bullet-proof vests!https://i1.wp.com/www.kolobok.us/smiles/madhouse/hunter.gif Florida has some of the most relaxed gun laws in the United States..just about everyone is armed. This is good and bad. It’s good in that it has brought a bit of calm into the extremely violent city of Miami since, with everyone armed, it’s riskier for criminals to target people at random or conduct home invasions. It’s bad in that the violent criminals know all you tourists probably will NOT be armed, and so target you. It got so bad, that I am not kidding, Florida asked all rental car agencies to remove markings from their rental cars..as carjackers and other criminals were specifically targeting the rental cars knowing the tourists would be easy pickings.

Don’t forget to visit the Keys! every island is more boring than the next, and the small-town cops have nothing better to do than pull over tourists in a hurry to visit key west just to say they’ve been there. It’s a 2-lane road the entire way down, with nothing to see except palm trees and tourist traps and wal-marts.

Miami, the town that keeps the roof blazin’!

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15 Responses to “South Beach Guide – Winter Music Conference”

  1. elyrie March 4, 2008 at 5:15 pm #

    Hahaha! There is a small chance that I’ll be going to Miami for spring break. Now I can’t wait. Thanks for the entertaining guide!

    • bboyneko March 4, 2008 at 5:55 pm #

      yah lol..i mean it is fun but dont expect perfection either. It’s worth a visit at least once.

      • mickeyhildrich August 11, 2008 at 6:20 pm #

        ) Yah yah yah I was absent from school yet again lol. Don’t scold me lah ): I hate headaches uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ): Anyway, I don’t think I’ll be going to school tomorrow.

    • hansgist August 11, 2008 at 12:21 pm #

      HA HA HA HA HA Is this for real. Dave why don’t you link to it everyday like you do with the band when a gig comes up.

      • forestmedianow August 11, 2008 at 10:34 pm #

        Posted by steveisaacs at PM | Permalink White House West HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

  2. airplane_stars March 4, 2008 at 6:03 pm #

    This post was hilarious. It’s so crazy – everyone *raves* about Miami and how beautiful South Beach is. It’s cool to hear it from a different perspective.

    • bboyneko March 4, 2008 at 6:20 pm #

      thanks..yeah i mean it’s worth a visit but it is definitely run-down. My guess is people go during busy spring break season and don’t notice.

  3. elgaroo March 4, 2008 at 7:52 pm #

    i always knew there was some reason i’ve avoided florida like the plague.P

  4. yellowpez March 5, 2008 at 3:25 am #

    Regrettably its where you go and who you know. I’ve been to Mansion three times and it’s only because my brother is good friends with the bouncer. And he’s rich, so that helps. I haven’t even attempted to go without his aid.
    I hate this town too, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not that bad. There are VERY pretty parts of Miami, you just need to know where to go. If you’re coming here for a short period of time to tour the nightlife, yeah, it can be ugly. But otherwise, there are some amazing parts that makes me happy I live here.
    I’m living in downtown now, and it’s getting majorly renovated. I prefer to go to the clubs by here (CHEAPER, nicer crowd, better music), so there are options.
    As far as dressing up for clubs – depends. My friend was told the other night “This is a club, not a cafeteria”. A lot of the downtown clubs don’t care too much about dress – but the beach? Pfft. You’ll get shit for wearing a t-shirt in most places. Snoooooty.
    Anyway, I can go on and on. All I can say.. if you’re coming over for WMC.. GO DOWNTOOOWN BROOO. There’s NO reason to go over the bridge to the beach. There’s a good guide at miaminights.com.

    • bboyneko March 5, 2008 at 5:17 pm #

      as long as the iguanas dont eat me…

      • julietully August 11, 2008 at 1:51 pm #

        ) You can have other animals in your household as long as the iguana grows up with them and is laid back.

  5. lenno_cornish March 19, 2008 at 12:40 pm #

    This place looks like Bosnia or Myanma or anything like that:)
    As for the Lib of Congress – try to make some journeys and you will see a lot of world beauty:)

  6. Anonymous May 10, 2008 at 5:32 pm #

    Funny reading. Me and my friend are headed to SoBe in June. We definitely want to get into the clubs, any other advice?
    We’ve decided to only wear dresses when headed out to clubs..good idea?

    • bboyneko May 10, 2008 at 9:51 pm #

      If you are girls, and are thin, you should have NO trouble getting in.

  7. Anonymous July 17, 2009 at 12:32 pm #

    Take on South Beach
    Sounds like somebody had a bad experience in Sobe. I, for one, go there every Winter and look forward to the next time. Have no high expectations except good weather, good food and fun people. It’s a colorful and fun place to visit. It can be as cheap or expensive as you make it.

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