Baltimore Barbies

8 Feb

I did not make this but thought it was funny: (there are several versions of this circulating around, usually customized for every city)

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Baltimore market:

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“Roland Park Barbie”
This princess Barbie is sold only at Cross Keys. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

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“Columbia Barbie”
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

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“Eastern Avenue Barbie”
This recently par oled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ….unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

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“Greenspring Valley Barbie”
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

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“Glen Burnie Barbie”
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and Tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet an d kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

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“Canton Barbie”
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.

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“Hereford Barbie”
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

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“Mt Vernon Barbie”
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hai ry armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Mt Vernon Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

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“Dundalk Barbie”
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll and numerous tasteless tattoo stickers you can apply. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

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“Ellicott City Barbie”
She’s perfect in every way. We don’t know where Ken is because he’s always out a-‘huntin’.

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“Baltimore Street Barbie/Ken”
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.


42 Responses to “Baltimore Barbies”

  1. Anonymous February 8, 2007 at 7:27 pm #

    funny, I got an email about this and it used Nashville (the city I live in) suburbs in it instead.

    • gingy November 5, 2009 at 12:46 am #

      We had this same thing applied to Calgary, my hometown.

  2. _oddity February 8, 2007 at 8:13 pm #

    i love it!!!!! hahahah touche to whoever made this.

  3. Anonymous January 28, 2008 at 3:30 pm #

    Baltimore Barbie
    Ruxton Barbie is missing……………

    • ChazH November 20, 2013 at 11:42 pm #

      Towson Barbie would have been iconic.

  4. Anonymous August 17, 2008 at 5:41 pm #

    Baltimore Barbies! So Funny! LOL!!
    I’m a Marylander raised in Ellicott City. Nope I’m not perfect like the E.C. Barbie! The dolls cracked me up.

  5. Anonymous August 17, 2008 at 6:34 pm #

    Cheap Shot on the good folks of Glen Burnie…that more like a Severna Park Barbie!

    • Anonymous August 18, 2008 at 2:15 am #

      I don’t like NASCAR, don’t drink beer and I have no tattoos. I’m college educated. And I live in Glen Burnie and love it’s diverse population.

      • bboyneko August 18, 2008 at 4:27 am #

        yeah i think glen burnie has changed a LOT over the past 10 years from what it once was.

      • Anonymous August 21, 2008 at 1:28 am #

        Glen Burnie Barbie
        I am a lifetime GB resident except for the three years I resided in NC. I am educated, do not drink, have tattooes, and what is wrong good ole Hank. But seriously GB has changed and what once was a family oriented town has long lost it’s shine. That doll is dead on the money for GB, now.

      • Ttrexxx December 7, 2013 at 9:56 am #

        G B barbies give the best head

    • ChazH November 20, 2013 at 11:45 pm #

      The only person I personally know from Glen Burnie is one of the worst people I’ve ever known, but, I don’t extrapolate from her to the rest of that community.

    • Anonymous December 3, 2013 at 9:50 am #

      Severna Park Barbie is more akin to the Greenspring Valley one. Glen Burnie was pretty spot on.

  6. Anonymous August 17, 2008 at 7:33 pm #

    You need a Carroll County Barbie- short heavy, jeans and garish cowboy shirt comes with a horse , cow or john deere tractor

  7. Anonymous August 17, 2008 at 10:40 pm #

    What About North Avenue? Liberty Heights? Pikesville? Randallstown…?
    Hamden would need 2 kinds: 36th Street (gentrified) and Union Avenue (any way to make a Barbie any more emaciated?) – meth and smack optional.

  8. Anonymous August 18, 2008 at 5:35 am #

    So I was following the Baltimore Sun’s site instructions to google “Baltimore Barbies” and yours was the first result.
    The name looks familiar…did you used to be on the buzz board?

    • bboyneko August 18, 2008 at 12:33 pm #

      i still am on there 🙂

  9. Anonymous August 19, 2008 at 3:59 am #

    cant forget brooklyn park barbie…
    she comes fully loaded. guns, drugs, and always preggers… haha

  10. Anonymous August 20, 2008 at 1:49 pm #

    Baltimore Barbies
    I love it! I am originally from Glen Burnie and now live in Ellicott City after years of travelling internationally and living in many places. I take no offense to any of this and absolutely love it, love it. What’s the point if you cannot laugh at yourself once in awhile?

    • ChazH November 20, 2013 at 11:47 pm #

      Laughing at ourselves is a virtue that’s all too rare, nowadays.

  11. Anonymous August 20, 2008 at 8:40 pm #

    Love them. born and raised in baltore…LMAO!!!!!

  12. Anonymous August 20, 2008 at 11:39 pm #

    Kool Idea shouldve made a Ghetto barbie from the project streets, wit gold teeth ,tattoos,hoe gear, and super long weave,

  13. Anonymous August 22, 2008 at 5:26 pm #

    Baltimore City Barbie
    This is cute, but the baltimore Barbie needed to be black. I mean common, you know Baltimore City is like 95% black anyway. But very funny nonetheless.

    • Anonymous August 23, 2008 at 2:07 am #

      East Asian Barbie
      Second generation east asian: comes in college clothes, maybe pushing the style edge a little with her parents/grandparents. Also has bandana, apron, and deep fryer for chicken, lake trout, and fries she cooks in after school hours.
      Alternate version is accessorized with a glass fridge full of 40s, packs and cartons of menthol smokes, glassed-in counter and register, and 9mm “insurance policy.”

    • ChazH November 20, 2013 at 11:48 pm #

      Actually, Baltimore is around 65% black.

      • Bo November 22, 2013 at 8:53 am #

        thats aboot 65% (im canadian)

  14. Anonymous July 24, 2009 at 2:27 am #

    A Missing Barbie
    Loved the collection, but where is Highlandtown Barbie?You know the one with no teeth, obese, wearing a housedress and flip-flops, assorted tattoos and smoking. No car, but a bus pass.

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  16. Anonymous February 14, 2010 at 8:13 pm #

    Love it. Where’s Cherry Hill Barbie?

  17. mike earl November 13, 2013 at 1:38 am #

    If you weren’t such a racist, I’d just recommend you stay in school.

    • Lindsay November 14, 2013 at 3:35 pm #

      None of these barbies even remotely comment or focus on race in any way. Maybe the schooling request is aimed at the wrong person.
      Have a laugh! Barbie is laughing too.

    • Bill November 22, 2013 at 8:56 am #

      If u weren’t such a kocksucker I’d recommend you get some pusssssy.

  18. Karl November 14, 2013 at 7:59 pm #

    As many others have said, I wonder where the Barbies of color are?

    • Lance November 22, 2013 at 8:47 am #

      They are out in the fields picking cotton.

  19. Traci November 15, 2013 at 6:05 am #

    as a Baltimore girl myself, this is the best thing EVER!!!

    • Traci November 15, 2013 at 6:07 am #

      Also, there needs to be a Charles st barbie of a dark artsy persuasion

      • Traci November 15, 2013 at 6:09 am #

        and it’s baltimore! where is heroine barbie??

  20. Dale November 17, 2013 at 3:14 pm #

    You left out the pocket full of Suboxone for the Glen Burnie Barbie. Also, the Columbia Barbie is a heavy white girl with a Black Kendrick and a mixed baby with the original father in jail while the new boyfriend takes care of baby Jermaine.

  21. Brian December 1, 2013 at 12:21 pm #

    Lexington Market Barbie. Weave and a chicken box. Street playset that she can wander around in the middle of because she’s too busy heroin-leaning to notice she’s about to be run over by Roland Park Barbie.

  22. haley December 2, 2013 at 7:52 pm #

    Laurel. Crack pipe and 9mm included


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