Matrix Revolutions sucked : My Matrix: Revolutions Review

7 Nov

Please say that this is a joke. Please tell me that this was just an amazing expensive prank and they’re going to release the real movie soon. I refuse to believe that one of the most mind boggling, and superb movie franchises has been totally, utterly, and embarrassingly ruined. Oh my God, where do I start

…lets start with The Matrix, the first movie, never before seen effects, energetic and worthwhile characters, completely original and perfectly written story…an excellent movie probably the best movie of 1999 (the year of The Phantom Menace and American Beauty mind you). All right, let’s move on to the sequel, The Matrix Reloaded. Okay, the first 40 minutes were horribly dull, Zion wasn’t the badass underground city we were expecting, but a large apartment building with Zulu tribal dancers living in it, and nothing really happened until the scene where Neo met with the Oracle.

Then the rest of the movie was pretty incredible, great fights, compelling action and story, ending in an interesting cliffhanger. But the best thing about the sequel is how it brought up more cool/confusing questions. What’s all this about 7 other Matrix’s? How did Neo kill those robots at the end, is he in another weird Matrix? What is Smith trying to accomplish?

Fast-forward to the biggest cinematic disaster since Batman and Robin, the CRAP-FEST FROM HELL called The Matrix Revolutions, and prepare to have NONE of those questions answered. This movie is nothing short of a NIGHTMARE!!!! Let’s make a Matrix movie that doesn’t take place in the Matrix, and lets focus on characters that we don’t give a flying f**k about. Morpheus does NOTHING in this movie. Trinity does NOTHING in this movie. Neo and Smith do NOTHING that makes any sense.

The movie focuses on the morons who live in Zion, it’s like watching homeless people fighting a war to save their shit corners. Who cares about Zion? It’s a crap-hole, and the people fighting in this “war” are the most uninteresting characters EVER!!! I don’t care about that moron kid who’s trying to help, and I don’t care about the ass-hole general guy, I don’t care about Link and Zelda (sic) and how much they wuv each utho, and I don’t care about the stupid hippie Jedi council.

The problem with these movies is that they killed off all the cool characters in the first one. I miss Tank, Apoc, Mouse, and even stupid Cypher, I could really care less about Niobe, or Ghost, or any of the other retards they introduced in the sequels.

Oh, and did I mention the ENDLESS DIALOGUE??? War is coming, let’s have 20 minute conversations about love, or making choices, or how I still believe in “the one” and his unexplained Jedi abilities for no reason. There is so much needless talking in this movie that they should invent a new word in the dictionary for more boring than boring.

Oh and dont get me started on the Bane is smith part (bane is the goatee guy who smith erased and uploaded himself is how it went in the film:

Neo: “Who are you?”

Bane (in a note-perfect Agent Smith voice): “Don’t you know, Mr. Anderson?”

Neo: “Tell me who you are?”

BANE: “Mr. Anderson, I think you do know who I am…”

Neo: : “No, I don’t.”

BANE: “Don’t you recognize my voice? The Mr. Anderson part?”

Neo: “…….”

BANE: “Black suit? Sunglasses?

Neo: “…….”

BANE: Receding hairline? ‘Mr. Anderson.’ Any of this ringing a bell?”

Neo: “That’s all fine, but WHO are you?”

OK, so that’s exaggerated a little bit, but I found it so damn annoying that for three minutes of dialogue Neo can’t figure out that Bane is somehow Agent Smith. Bane is doing his voice and keeps calling him “Mr. Anderson.” I mean, c’mon!

Then, the whole thing is building up to the big fight with Neo and Smith…WHAT A WASTE!!! All they do is punch each other and cause explosions, if you want a good fight scene see Kill Bill again because this one is about as exciting as watching fireworks at an Isotopes game, and then Smith wins the fight, but then Neo regains his strength and wins, the Smith wins again, then everyone blows up for some reason…and then the movie is over. If you must see this terrible outrage, DON’T PAY FOR IT!!! Download it, sneak in, do whatever you can, cus if I had paid like $9 for it I probably would have killed myself. The only thing that’s not taste-your-own-vomit terrible about this movie are the effects, but they’re not even worth it. This brings a whole new meaning to the word disappointment.
Grade: F (wow, that hurt…maybe it is all just a joke, here’s hoping)

While watching it the guy sitting on my left fell asleep, i kid you not. Matrix Revolutions Sucks.


7 Responses to “Matrix Revolutions sucked : My Matrix: Revolutions Review”

  1. molly_sigh November 7, 2003 at 5:28 am #

    🙂 i love these little rants of yours…
    glad i decided that cleaning my room was more important than seeing this movie the opening day…

  2. tigerjunglist November 7, 2003 at 7:45 am #

    Someone’s got a little repressed anger!:D
    Seriously though, thanks for the head’s up. D’oh. I was expecting somehting really good.

  3. shadowdean November 7, 2003 at 9:15 am #

    this was a rant from an engineering friend of mine
    “I am tryng not to repeat what I or other people said before, but before
    I say anything about the revolution I want to get this out of the way.
    First, I have to concede some of these make more sense after Reloaded was
    released. But more on that later.
    1. What’s supposed to a semi hardcore SF, the whole premise of the machines
    needing the humans as powersource is utterly fooking ridiculous. This I can say from
    an engineer’s point of view. Humans need water, oxygen, environment control
    and most importantly carbon based food to survive. And out of all the energy
    potential stored in the above only the tiny portion gets converted to the
    electrical energy talked about. If this was so efficient enough to power
    the whole machine civilization the human
    race would never need another powersource as we can just plug our electric
    car into our brain overnight when we sleep. (Just think about
    that for a second.)
    But we have no plan of doing that because this is like the worst possible way to
    convert all the resources above to electrical energy. If somehow all the
    knowledge of hydrogen/nuclear/alcohol/methane/wind/thermal energy generation
    got lost, and there is no other possibly way to generate power other than
    solar (ridiculous), what do the humans living in Zion use to power up their
    city? The premise is intriguing from a philosophical/literature point of
    view, but utterly ridiculous from a technical point of view.
    Now I am not saying everything in a SF has to make sense. But I do have
    a problem with utter nonsense, and I have even more problem when people trying
    to argue that such nonsense make sense without any real knowledge on this
    2. The machines, when they could have just killed anyone waking up from the powerplant, choose to kindly throw them into OSHA approved pipeline where they can be rescued by Zion ships. It could have been an oversight once or twice but 250000 times?
    3. There is a whole load of technical problems involving this wireless “broadcast” these ships are making into the Matrix. But let’s say for now that they are using some starwars technology for these wireless communications, not something based on the current electrical technology. Even that, it doesn’t answer the question WHY these machines running the matrix ACCEPT the wireless broadcast from the outside sources. You wouldn’t set up your company intranet with open ports like that why would they?
    4. You CAN shield your equipment against EMP burst with the currently available technology. They developed these robots that fly using somekind of starwars technology, but haven’t figured out how to shield against EMP?
    Now, as I said before, the “revelations” in Reloaded explains some of these. “Machines are letting Zion survive and do what it does.” is really the only possible explanation for the above plot holes. But it doesn’t explain why none of those oh-so-freethinking people in Zion ever sat down and wondered.
    (Also, it still doesn’t explain why they need the humans alive in the first place at all, and I don’t buy that machines are like angels without free will mumbo jumbo.) “

  4. faeryprincess39 November 7, 2003 at 10:30 am #

    Oh.. my.. wow. Hahaha. Sorry, I had to post 🙂 neko posts in my journal sometimes and I always neglect to read HIS LJ. Today I did and, yes. Yes. Neko, lets run away together. Lets see Matrix IV when it comes out in May 🙂

  5. dirty_girl00 November 7, 2003 at 1:32 pm #

    frankly..i didn’t really like the matrix reloded…i found it boring and it didn’t make any sense at all…3 movies is WAY to much to base around the first plot…the only moive that i will willingly pay money to see the sequels is LOTR…I’m a TOLKIN NERD!!!!
    but thanks for the heads up always you’re the best xosmoochies

  6. Anonymous January 7, 2004 at 1:43 am #

    Some of these Q’s might have been answered but these are just off the top of my head.
    How did neo stop the sentinels in the real world?
    How did mr smith poses that guy in the real world?
    Did neo die?
    What of the 7 other matrix’s?
    Who was the architect?
    Why was the orical a different apperence?
    How did neon get into a train station that he could not get out of?
    What happened to the little indian girl when the asian guy was assimilated?
    Why is the little indian girl the last exial?
    How did mr smith know what he was going to say?
    If neo’s goal in the end fight was to be assimilated, why the long fight?
    If the orical wants to un balance the matrix, why is she content in the end?
    If the orical is just a program, when she was assimilated by mr smith wouldn’t she be lost forever and not come back when the matrix is back to normal in the end?
    Also, since she kept wanting to stir things up in the matrix, why would she be brought back and talking to the architect in the end?
    At the end the architect said whomever wanted out of the matrix would be freed. I can think of about five things wrong with that off hand but let’s just call it another flaw.
    In the first movie there goal was to free people from the matrix. At the end of the third movie, not only did they not achieve their goal, they lost thousands of people and had half of zion destroyed.
    How could he be the one if he’s dead?
    The orical told morphious he would find the one who would free everybody.
    She told neo he was the one.
    The orical tells you the options, if you chose those options she can tell you the outcome.
    He dies without freeing everybody.
    He is not the one.
    The film makers out triked themselves, and tried to confuse the audience into thinking they had seen a good movie. I see they have fooled some of you.
    And finally whats with the little indain girl being able to create a sunset at the end of the movie? (It took me the secound try to catch this) I think their trying for number 4.

  7. RL August 30, 2012 at 6:54 pm #

    I woefully disagree, Matrix #3 is topped by The Highlander #2, possibly the worst sequel of all time, bar none. Highlander #2 in effect, destroyed any possibilities of a meaningful serial, growing out of the Connor MacLeod story. It was a one movie classic, a one hit wonder, end of story!

    Matrix #3 was in a way, pre-doomed by the infeasibilities of Matrix #2. For instance, when Neo and Trinity went back to boink in their Zion pad, they were interrupted by a flop of worshipers outside. Ok, last I checked, Neo was a brilliant hacker and had special abilities, within the world of virtual reality computing. Now, in the flesh, what was he suppose to offer … *hands-on healing* to the flock, like Jesus, or was he just going to give ’em a motivational pep talk? It was a hokey setup, in at attempt to re-introduce him but now, as a messiah in the world of flesh, than software (eye rolls …). Yes, then the social structure of Zion was that of a section 8 housing committee in an urban wasteland. Weren’t people simple happier being plugged into a VR room, than in dealing with that garbage … and now, the politics of a ghetto?

    Thus, you have a second movie, with premises and setup, which gave you little to hope for in a real world existence but offered more musings and riddles, every time they entered a new virtual reality space. Obviously, this had to come to an end, somehow. All and all, it simply proved Cypher was right and that people were better off, living in a VR space, then in some hopeless subterranean sewer and having virtual reality superhero abilities doesn’t translate into doing miracles in the flesh. For that, one needs to be bitten by a radioactive spider or get some DNA from Dr Banner’s lab.

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